It would have been my son's (my only child) birthday on February 27th. It is still very difficult for me grieving the lost of Jeremy. He was killed in auto accident on May 27, 2007. I have posted the following before on my blog, but I wanted to post again. So please bear with me on this blog post.A passage from the book The Woman's Book of Soul
Forgiving the Mother We Were
I forgive myself for my past mothering. I am the best mother I can be. I lovingly support all children in my care. We are so vulnerable about mothering abilities. It's all too easy for us to feel guilty. Have we done too much or not done enough? Are we too strict or too permissive? Questions such as these can haunt us whether our children are fourteen days old or forty-seven years old. But in order to have peace of mind, we need to forgive the mother we were. This takes great courage, particular in the face of society's attitude of "it must be the mother's fault" no matter what "it" is.
When my first child was born, I was young, inexperienced, and unhappy...and not too great a mother. I wanted to be good. I tried to be good, but wasn't the kind of good mother I eventually became.
Before, I could relax and be the mother I wanted to be, I needed to forgive the struggling young mother I was originally. I did that by picturing myself in my early twenties, acknowledging my loneliness and confusion, then assuring myself that I did the best I could at the time. And I had.
If you need to forgive the mother you were, allow yourself to close your eyes and see the young woman to the past. How does she feel, and how do you feel about her? Try to understand what motivated the actions or attitudes that you now need to to forgive. Understanding fosters forgiveness.
We all do the best we can at the time. Knowing that helps us to forgive ourselves and, in a climate of forgiveness, we can become better than we were. If our relationships with our children are secure enough, after we heal our shame at not being a perfect parent, we may eventually, want to talk to them about our regrets and ask for their forgiveness.
Forgiving the Mother We Were
I forgive myself for my past mothering. I am the best mother I can be. I lovingly support all children in my care. We are so vulnerable about mothering abilities. It's all too easy for us to feel guilty. Have we done too much or not done enough? Are we too strict or too permissive? Questions such as these can haunt us whether our children are fourteen days old or forty-seven years old. But in order to have peace of mind, we need to forgive the mother we were. This takes great courage, particular in the face of society's attitude of "it must be the mother's fault" no matter what "it" is.
When my first child was born, I was young, inexperienced, and unhappy...and not too great a mother. I wanted to be good. I tried to be good, but wasn't the kind of good mother I eventually became.
Before, I could relax and be the mother I wanted to be, I needed to forgive the struggling young mother I was originally. I did that by picturing myself in my early twenties, acknowledging my loneliness and confusion, then assuring myself that I did the best I could at the time. And I had.
If you need to forgive the mother you were, allow yourself to close your eyes and see the young woman to the past. How does she feel, and how do you feel about her? Try to understand what motivated the actions or attitudes that you now need to to forgive. Understanding fosters forgiveness.
We all do the best we can at the time. Knowing that helps us to forgive ourselves and, in a climate of forgiveness, we can become better than we were. If our relationships with our children are secure enough, after we heal our shame at not being a perfect parent, we may eventually, want to talk to them about our regrets and ask for their forgiveness.
Happy Birthday Jeremy. We miss you!
4 comments:
Dear Sharon, I don't even know how hard this must be but I'm sending all my love to you and hugs. Much love, Vanessa
Dear Sharon,
I am not sure why I found your post tonight but I believe all things happen for a reason. I think that it may have been to give you some support, a long distance hug and some strength from a mother who has been there also. In 2001 I lost my oldest daughter, she was murdered during a sexual assault. She was missing for seven weeks before they found her. I understand your loss and the grief you will always feel, my heart goes out to you. if you ever want to talk give me an email.
Diane
Sending you hugs.
I've been catching up on your posts during my visit to your lovely blog . . . I'm so very sorry about your son. I cannot imagine what you and your family must have gone through. You are in my thoughts and in my prayers, Sharon . . . Love, Jann
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